There are so many aspects to be aware of when you are dealing with a narcissist, yet it is also important to know that the narcissist will sometimes enlist the help of others to basically gang up against you, and put you at fault. Generally narcissists do not care if they have to lie and manipulate a story in order to put themselves in a favourable light, even though they are not telling the truth they believe that it is worth it if it vilifies you. Narcissists do not fight fair and if you try to apply logic to a situation that involves them, you will often be left feeling bewildered.
A flying monkey is someone who does the narcissists bidding, by inflicting additional torment on the narcissists victim.Unknown
A flying monkey is “a term used in popular psychology mainly in the context of narcissistic abuse. They are people who act on behalf of a narcissist to a third party, usually for an abusive purpose (e.g smear campaign).
When you have a disagreement with a narcissist it is not uncommon for them to give you the cold shoulder or sometimes even discontinue contact with you for an extended period of time, depending on how useful you are to them. Whilst they give you the cold shoulder it is quite likely that they will begin talking to other people about you, they will omit any of the information that puts them in a less favourable light and make themselves seem like the victim.
Narcissists are adept in manipulating and brainwashing people close to them so that the victims will take on the guilt.Rockelle Lemer
This is when the flying monkeys come in to play. Narcissists pick their flying monkey wisely and they ensure that it is someone who will buy into their sob story and also not ask too many questions. Flying monkeys will then repeat what they have been told by the narcissist and treat it as though it is truth, unwilling to accept that they have only been told part of the story by one party.
Flying monkeys will always report back to the narcissist, with stories about you, in order to get into their good books.
My family of origin has narcissism and codependency running through it and my mother would always say that I was her best friend, that she did not need anyone else, and she could not cope if I moved away, it was quite an enmeshed relationship. As I grew older, she continued to say these things, however when I voiced and stood by an opinion that she did not agree with she would sulk and usually disappear for weeks or months at a time. The daily phone calls and messages would stop immediately, which led me to see that there was a huge discrepancy between the words that she said and her actions. I have learned that being in touch with someone frequently is not a reflection of intimacy. We can speak frequently if our conversations remain on the surface, whereas I have friends that I speak to once every couple of months and it is a genuine intimate friendship. Enmeshed families often mistake frequent communication for intimacy and the two are not interlinked.
After being given the silent treatment for a few weeks my mother would then enlist the help of my aunt as her flying monkey. My aunt would either phone or message me telling me how upset my mother is and that I need to call her immediately. She would not acknowledge the fact that she has not been told the whole story, she would just believe what she had been told. It is not always easy to spot flying monkeys because they come in different guises and often believe that they are being helpful, in helping to get to the bottom of conflict. The narcissist may enlist a mutual friend which can be hurtful because you feel judged and abandoned by your friend who is not listening to you.
Narcissists rarely apologise, it is more likely that they will deflect and place the blame on you or ignore you altogether.
If you want to know how someone truly feels about you…just watch their actions.Author Unknown
When dealing with flying monkeys it is important to remember that they:
- Rarely do their own thinking, they simply repeat what they have been told by the narcissist.
- May believe that they are doing heroic work by trying to resolve conflict, even though it is quite the opposite.
- May enjoy being a link in the chain of the drama that is ensuing. They are being given the details of the drama that has taken place and this could be exciting to them.
- Are entitled to speak to the narcissist and listen to the story, but you are not obligated to listen. You may need to put a boundary in place and tell them that you do not want to discuss the matter with them. You are under no obligation to discuss something that happened with someone else.
I would love to hear your thoughts, or if you have been in a situation with flying moneys.